The Ramblings of a crazy brain

Finally realising shit…

I’m awesome. I’m too good for most people. I may have issues, I may be destructive, but as a wise woman once said “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

This is me. Completely and totally. If you can stick with me through the tough shit, I’m even more amazing through the good stuff!

I’m currently sat in my living room chewing on the remains of my only Easter egg and watching Iron Man. Whilst the film plays in the background my mind is completely elsewhere. My life. That’s what my brain is thinking about right now.

So growing up… From the age of 14 I pretty much became the ‘woman of the house’ as my mum fell into an abyss of illness that would slowly disable her from normal day to day activities. I missed a lot of my teenage years for caring for her. I went to college, I worked and when I could get out I partied hard.

Just before I hit 18 I met someone who I thought I could be happy with. 4 and a half years later, after finding out he cheated, and gave me a delightful STI which would later hospitalise me, he and I broke up.

In the May after we broke up, I met the person who would then become my husband (who I am now pending divorce from). He and I had various issues, the biggest one, simply, we weren’t compatible together, I wanted more than he could give and he wanted more that I could give. Although he and I faced a lot of issues as a couple, and didn’t get on very well, he has found his one and I cannot express how happy I am for him. For them.

Just after Christmas I met someone who would destroy a part of me. He bullied me and attacked me. He caused the final explosion in my brain which would cause a breakdown.

Since then I have been working for the past year with various therapists and friends to get my brain right.

During this year the most incredible thing happened. I fell pregnant. I was told the chance of me ever conceiving would be less than 5%, but it happened. During my years with my 2 ex’s I unfortunately had a series of miscarriages caused by Endometriosis.

I now have a 4 month old beautiful little girl who I would quite happily say, saved my life. I have given birth to this beautiful being, who every morning smiles at me. She coo’s and smiles as she doesn’t know how terrible this world actually is. However, she doesn’t know how beautiful it can be either.

Even if you fine the person who isn’t the one, you will have some amazing moments with them. It’s those moments that you need to be thankful of. Live for today, take chances and smile. Every day make sure you smile. Because no matter how much shit you have been through, that’s stuff you remember, may still haunt you, but cant hurt you any longer.

I have fallen in love with a beautiful person, someone who doesn’t understand or see how amazing he actually is. He also doesn’t see what he could have if he would take a chance on me. My brain maybe fucked up, but I can see how awesome I am. And as much as I feel for him, it’ll be his loss if he doesn’t take that chance.

I really don’t know where these thoughts of tonight have gone, or how I got to this point but I think I’m going to publish this, but publicly this time.

Starting a fresh

SO!!!! it has taken me too long to get back to this, my last blog entry on my old blog was in 2011.

Well, since then a lot has happened.  I have had a baby, I have had 2 operations, I have lost friends and gained amazing people in my life.  I have also had a diagnosis for my brain!

I was told by a friend that I should restart my blogging, however illiterate I may be, but it should help with my issues.  So here’s to a new start with my blogging life and also to you reading my ramblings 

<3